And then I remember...

Turning and seeing his face,
I feel my heart start glowing
though it is not me whom he looks at.
He looks at the one beside me.

My closest friend.

They share a smile, but Oh, there is so much meaning behind it.
I feel my heart dimming until it is black and cold.
I'm frozen, and I shatter.

My friend glances away, blushing.
He can't keep his eyes off of her.

My heart aches.
The edges peeling back like dry brittle newspapers, curling in on itself.
Opening more and more wounds.


the glances, the smiles shared, are like salt, being poured into my wounds.
It hurts, but I act as if though I'm fine.
When inside of me there is so much chaos and hurt,
I can't find myself.

I smile at my friend and tell her that I think he likes her. For I knew that was what she wanted to hear.
She blushes, and says "Yea, I've noticed that too."

The night ends with fake smiles, hugs, and laughs on my behalf, and I know
that I go homewith a broken heart.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next night my friend calls and squeals.
"I'm his girlfriend! I'm his girlfriend!"
"Who?" I ask,
although my heart already knew the answer.

She says his name and it echoes through me.
She continues talking to me, but I don't hear her.
It's as if though I'm listening to her through a tunnel. I breathe in,
a small shallow breath, trying to calm the hysteria rising in me like lava through a volcano.

I congratulate her and tell her I'm so happy for her. A lie, I wasn't happy at all.
Far from it.
Then I say good night and hang up.
With her all blissful and I all broken and crushed.

It hurts too much to think of them together.
NO, NO, NO, THIS IS ALL WRONG!! my mind and heart scream.
I'm sobbing now.
It was I, I who was to be in his mind.

But it will be my friend, who will be in hi s mind.
It feels as if though glass is being scraped up along the walls of my heart.
Each breath brings another burst of pain.

I crawl into my bed, pulling the sheets up to my chin.
and I start soaking in my pain and misery, and my tears.
I cry and cry.
Letting all my tears flow out of me.


The pain and hurt wash over me.
Then peaceful silence.
I'm asleep and I remember no more...
until dawn breaks and I awake...

Then I remember.